In the Mind of Madness

Epic salesman

2012-01-31T14:37:00.001Z

Hareesh: hello sir, can I speak to gurn please?
Me: speaking
Hareesh: hello gurn. My name is Hareesh, im calling you today from 3 mobile. How are you?
Me: I'm good thanks, you?
Hareesh: I am also good thank you. You're the 4th person to ask me that. It's very nice. Can I ask if you pay monthly for your phone or is it a contract?
Me: it's a bit of both.
Hareesh: so... Do you pay monthly?
Me: I do but it's not a fixed contract.
Hareesh: so you're a pay as you go then?
Me: sure.
Hareesh: and what network are you on sir?
Me: I'm on the giffgaff network which uses the O2 network.
Hareesh: I'm sorry sir, I didn't quite make that out. It's a bad connection, maybe you need to change network to get a better connection?
Me: well no one else has ever had a problem with the line quality, just you.
Hareesh: can I ask ho
w much you pay and what you get for that sir?Me: I pay £10 a month and get 250 minutes, unlimited txts and unlimited internet.
Hareesh: what if I could offer you 300 minutes, unlimited txts and unlimited internet for £10 a month?
Me: to be perfectly honest, I'm happy with the service I'm getting at the moment.
Hareesh: how's your phone sir?
Me: pretty good.
Hareesh: can I ask what you have?
Me: it's a Samsung omnia 7.
Hareesh: I can offer you a Samsung galaxy s2. Would you be interested in that?
Me: no thanks, I'm not interested in an android phone.
Hareesh: oh, well how about an iPhone?
Me: ha ha definitely not.
Hareesh: but.. But.. You don't want either?
Me: no, I really like my windows phone.
Hareesh: ahhh. Did you see the latest Samsung windows phone?
Me: yes I did.Hareesh: well how about I offer you a Samsung omnia 7?
Me: I already HAVE an omnia 7. Look I don't want a new phone.
Hareesh: you're quite happy with your phone?
Me: yup
Hareesh: and its still running fast?
Me: yup
Hareesh: so its fulfilling all your needs?
Me: in as much as a phone can.
Hareesh: oh, well thanks for your time sir, have a nice day.Me: you too

Left 4 Poop

2012-01-15T16:08:00.001Z

You know, I like people posting original, creative content on YouTube (or youtoob as the Americans call it). The problem is that not many people do. So I was eager to watch this video when I heard that some folks had made their own short based off the Left 4 Dead series.

But then I watched it and whist I started off thinking, “this is pretty cool”, I think you’ll understand at which bit I then thought, “What the fuck is this shit?” It’s amazing how you can go from awesome to kak in a few seconds.

It’s almost like the writer got half-way through it, decided it was lunch break and then came back to find his 14 year-old, younger brother had finished it off for him.

Beyond Magnetic

2012-01-14T11:21:00.001Z

Play loud

Stirrings from beyond the grave

2012-01-03T10:28:00.001Z

Woo, it’s Twenty Twelve!!

So what’s my New Year’s Resolution? I’m glad you asked, it’s to blog more often. It seems that ever since I changed career (or for a more accurate account, started my career), I’ve had less and less time to blog. Well, I’m gonna make more of an effort as I still have loads of images, videos, stories to blog about.

So, here’s to the end of the world (as Hollywood and the Mayans would have us believe)

Train-spotters rejoice!

2011-10-27T21:59:00.001+01:00

I’m looking at the Steam Halloween sale (which is quite tasty) and noticed that Railworks Train Simulator is there (I’ve tried the game and really need to blog about my 40 minute, 7AM train ride – it was awesome).

Why oh why is a train simulator in a “spooky” themed sale?

I asked myself. Well, I went digging further and discovered it had a zombie DLC – Trains vs. Zombies.

Of course it does, why wouldn’t it?

It features ghost trains that don’t run on rails but instead fly through the air and also a mode where you have to ride for your life. How zombies could stop a train moving at 100mph I’ll never know but I’m sure anoraks everywhere are wetting themselves just thinking of hurriedly changing points before the horde set upon them!

I’ll leave you with some screenshots of train/zombie action.

I like the angry pumpkins (obviously due to the delayed 12:27 to Manchester)

So tell me, what the fuck is there to worry about when your mode of transport can simply fly above the undead?

“For the love of Jebus, don’t stop Trevor, DON’T FREAKIN’ STOP!!!”

Gurn-zero’s pirate alarm system

2011-10-17T16:41:00.001+01:00

My week’s holiday was originally going to be a wee break abroad with the missus but we both agreed that we really needed to get the kitchen and hallway plastered. So it’s turned into a DIY week and whilst the HugJunkie was stripping old plaster off the walls in the kitchen, I was tackling the removal of the old alarm system.

See, when I bought the flat over 10 years ago, I discovered that it had an alarm system…. that didn’t work. I never really bothered myself with it – didn’t really mind it not working and couldn’t be arsed removing it. This is what a decade does to you – I was going to rip it all down!

Hmm… it looked way more complicated than I had originally thought. The main thing though – it wasn’t connected to electricity anymore so I couldn’t kill myself at least. Still, seeing ye olde pirate symbol didn’t really instil much confidence in me…

According to my ol’ man (who’s an expert in all things to do with cables and power) this had been a cheap install in the first place and I was fine to just chuck it all. Good news but staring at these just made me think I was defusing a bomb.

Snippity snip snip…

Result –

one alarm system in the bin;

I’m still alive;

my hair’s standing on end but that’s due to wax and not electricity

A royal nom, nom, nom

2011-10-03T16:16:00.000+01:00

My work colleagues like bringing biscuits in for breaks and lunches and a few months ago someone brought a special kind of biscuit tin in. It was to mark the marriage of Prince William and that..um.. Kate lassie.

With time the biscuits got munched and other biscuit tins arrived.. only to get much the same treatment (as is the circle of life). We had a clear-out recently and all the empty tins got recycled, well, all bar one that is.

Yup, Prince Bill’s tin got kept because it was “commemorative”. Can’t say I agreed but hey,that’s the way it goes.

I do like winding people up though (*shocks and gasps roll around the audience*) and so I did some arty graffiti on the tin with the use of a pen and post-its.

I must say, my department are slowly coming round to the way of the zombie

Stare into the face of Doom and behold your own incontinence

2011-10-02T12:03:00.000+01:00

The family holiday this year was a week spent in a caravan down in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk (something which had Twisted Barbie laughing at me what with her Norfolkian genes).

I feel that it was maybe a little too long ago to recount my numerous, strange experiences from that holiday but I do have one in particular burned into my mind…

We saw these posters all over the place and they we’re not talking little posters here – HUGE posters!

They were that abundant that we couldn’t help but get freaked out by Johnny Mac’s face.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the scariest faces on the planet. It’s like House of Wax all over again!

I’ll say this though, this won’t be the last you see from this blog’s newest, unofficial mascot :D

Drop the Euros!

2011-10-01T15:13:00.001+01:00

So I log back into Blogger with an idea of posting more regularly and what do I see? A whole new updated template system with dynamic views! Ooo… I drool… however, as you can see, I can’t have a custom header at the moment and will have to wait until Blogger gives me the tools, or I come up with a sneak attack.

Anyway..

In Tesco, I spotted this in the kids aisle (I usually take a look in case there’s something cheap I can buy the boy)

What do I love more? The insinuation that all criminals have stubble or that all motorbike cops have fairly neat moustaches? If I were to pick a nationality of the cop, I’d go with something European (the briefcase full of Euros are a dead giveaway – hope they don’t belong to Greece!) . Specifically, I get a “french” feeling from the monsieur :D

Did you know Playmobil is German?

The hills are alive with…

2011-09-19T20:55:00.001+01:00

How did I miss this song when it originally came out???

I feel the need to have this playing at extreme volume, in my car as I drive into work sporting sunglasses and an uber-frown

Stop being a pussy… NOW!

2011-07-21T13:33:00.001+01:00

I’m not a fan of Star Wars but I am a fan of Arnie!

Season of the Helmet

2011-07-19T16:05:00.001+01:00

Have you seen the movie, Season of the Witch? I have.. it’s shocking! I like medieval movies.. mostly ‘cause there are swords and epic battles. I also like witches so this movie seemed to provide so much. Shame it turned out to be as good as Duke Nukem Forever.

I features Ron “can’t-get-any-cooler” Perlman and Nicholas “still-apologising-for-Ghost-Rider” Cage as do-gooder knights who quit the crusade and end up wangled into delivering a “witch” to a fancy church. Aside from getting used to two American accents in medieval Europe, they team up with some tracker guy who sounds like he’s from down-town Brooklyn! I think the missus and I burst out laughing in the cinema when he first spoke (we were the only ones – nothing unusual there).

Seriously though, watch it and then tell me I’m not telling the truth.. especially with this bit.

At the start of the flick, they’re fightin’ oodles of folk with full armour on and I just kept giggling at their helmets. When others saw this…

… I saw this…

I’m sorry but I just kept seeing a bell on Cage’s head! Then whilst the populace saw this Ron…

… I could only see this Ron…

So if you like men with funny hats, dodgy accents and some serious over-acting from the Cage-meister, then check it out. (At least the title sounds awesome)

Pain Jeans

2011-07-17T18:38:00.000+01:00

I was in some shop or other, trying on a new pair of bootcut jeans when I noticed a distinct feeling of PAIN! on my bum. I took the jeans off to find some numpty had placed the security tag on the inside instead of the outside.

I would like to recommend this to the US of A as a replacement for the waterboarding torture method. Granted, some might be into this kinda thing but hey, it ain’t a perfect world.

Brawling of the Monsters

2011-07-17T13:36:00.000+01:00

I must find and buy this movie to add it to my collection. If Lance Henriksen saying “Witch Bitch” doesn’t make you giggle… you’re dead to me :p

My money’s on Frankenstein!

Goodbye Kitty

2011-07-16T12:37:00.001+01:00

B&Q is a DIY hardware shop that a lot of men like because they get to stare and chainsaws and grin like little boys. Well… I do anyhoo. Once, I took a wander around the countless aisles and came across this beauty. Yes, I had folk staring at me as I was taking these photos, but it was definitely worth it.

Now, I love cats and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to use this on them, however it does say it’ll work on dogs and squirrels and I’m not too keen on canines. I love the laser light sighting to make it easy to target the animal.. kinda makes you feel like a special forces operative. Best of all….

Poor, poor kitty. I was tempted to buy it to test out whether it works (plus repel the neighbour’s pit-bull terrier) but it was a bit pricey.

^_^

2011-07-16T11:33:00.001+01:00

My favourite Japanese series of all time, (that’s ALL TIME, people!) is being remade and released next year.

I’m so excited I could pee myself

The problems with metal

2011-07-12T14:43:00.001+01:00

I’m always on the lookout for new music to listen to and when I was scouring the depths of youtTube, I spotted a thumbnail for “The Agonist – and Their Eulogies Sang Me to Sleep”. “Hmm” I thought, “metal band with a female lead singer, maybe this’ll be awesome?”

Sadly… no

One throat transplant please!

Nudity? From Google??

2011-06-25T20:33:00.001+01:00

I have quite a few photos (mostly of the boy to be honest) and I have them stored on my home server. But lately I’ve been thinking “what if that dies on me?” A good idea might be to have the photos also backed up to a cloud service on the web.

After reading about the latest SkyDrive from Microsoft, I checked it out, was suitably impressed and then went about the painstakingly slow task of uploading everything. But it was whilst mid-upload that I thought, “Gee, I wonder what Picassa’s cloud storage is like?”

Being a curious fellow, I went and had a peek.

Interestingly they have a bit where you can browse public folders AND also see recently published pics from random folk all around the world. Somehow, I wasn’t expecting to see this though…

“I wanna get close to the animals”

2011-06-11T16:06:00.000+01:00

In the paper the other day, was an article about some photographer who had a close call with a leopard on safari.

This guy’s face is priceless!

Granted, I might be a tad on the worried side if a large, wild carnivore jumped up to say “hi” but still, his face looks like its trying to jump away from his head.

Rick for First Minister

2011-06-10T16:27:00.000+01:00

I grew up when Rick Astley showcased his awesome voice and epic dance-moves and here he is again, realising that Industrial music is the way forward!

Shopping Sins 2

2011-06-09T15:22:00.000+01:00

I like wandering around cheap shops and my phone at the ready in case I spot something that brings a chortle out of my mouth. This particular product isn’t crap to be fair, since I do own a wee dinner table but it’s the folk in the pic that I love…

Whilst she might be able to get by without too much finger pointing, monsieur TableMate2 looks like this was the happiest day of his life. Now he has something to hold his fry-up, his O.J., his remote AND it keeps him away from physically touching his wife!

I hope I look that happy when I’m that age

I’d have watched this movie had it been like this…

2011-06-08T16:20:00.000+01:00

Shopping Sins 1

2011-06-07T15:02:00.000+01:00

I figured that over the years, I’ve brought you numerous weird and wonderful things to waste your money on. Well, maybe it’s time I brought them all together under the one category.

I found this about a year ago and it’s been sitting in my “to blog” pile ever since (shame on you Gurn).

Could this be the sleeping bag to end all other sleeping bags?

Could I terrify my son if I got one?

Could I recreate scenes from Jaws?

You’ll never look at cupid the same

2011-06-05T14:55:00.002+01:00

So that’s me back from a week in Amsterdam after taking 28 kids across for 5 days. T’was good fun, if annoying at times (teenage whining about all things ranging from “not feeling well” to “Help me, I’ve been been stung by a tiny insect”).

I was in professional mode so can’t really say much, but whilst on the coach heading to the port for our trip home, I spotted this van across the road. Thankfully the kids were all looking the other way at some building called Nemo and didn’t notice.

Can you see the little cherub? See what he’s up to?

Visiting the website (‘coz I’m like that), gave me a better image…

As much as I really don’t like Mayonnaise dripped over my food, I really detest it on chips. The image of cupid, having ditched his match-making job, masturbating over my chips just makes me ready to put everyone else off mayonnaise.

Spread the word!

This shit is the tits!

2011-04-22T22:44:00.001+01:00

I love Borderlands. Not only is it a great game to play with mates but it has some of the funniest voice acting ever. Check these ones out.

Mr. Shank’s the man!

Spider-cows – the terrifying new menace

2011-04-14T09:13:00.001+01:00

Random but wait ‘til you see the spider-cows!

*shudders*

Mass Seagull orgy… again

2011-04-13T17:02:00.001+01:00

I hate Seagulls.

Since I live next to a bus depot that sports a large roof, the growing population of flying vermin have realised the potential there for nesting. Last year they drove me nuts as they just squawked at ALL HOURS. It’s such a horrible sound to hear at the likes of 2 and 3 in the morning. What are they doing??? I used to wonder. Having a huge seagull orgy is what I discovered.

So this year, they’re back and I have one and a half weeks left of my Easter holidays. I can only hope that either the council employ more Seagull marksmen or that terminal STI breaks out overnight, wiping away all trace of them.

I ask you, what sodding use are Seagulls?

The Milkman comes back for more

2011-04-13T16:50:00.001+01:00

Do you remember the milkman I spoke about not so long ago?

Hmm.. no, wait a minute, that’s not the right image….

Ah, that’s better. Yeah, he was more like this guy but more glaikit (nobody-home look about him) and brandishing an empty glass.

Well, someone’s knocking on my door at twenty to one in the morning and I’m out of the bed like some sort of half-awake, confused bullet.

I look through the spyhole still thinking I’m dreamt this (I do that a lot) and there’s no one there. I was about to head back to bed when I hear my letterbox squeak open and someone goes “Baz?”.

Now I’m not happy so I reply “WHIT?” and rip open the door to see milkman clutching a carrier bag with one hand and his 1990’s mobile phone with the other. He just looks at me as recognition sweeps across his face this is the wrong door.

“Ah’m really sorry pal. Really, ah’m sorry”.

I shut the door on him and try to figure out how he can get confused between my door and his mate’s when…

His mate’s door is on the 2nd floor and I’m on the 3rd
His mate’s door has the number 6 on it and mine has 8. In fact, I double-checked that one – his mate has a 6 on the door AND a 6 ABOVE the door
His mate’s door is an awful shade of green and mine is just varnished wood.
I have a crazy lion head of a door knocker and his mate has… um… nothing.

Idiot

I’ll have 50cc’s of Tiger Blood aka Charlie Sheen

2011-03-07T18:09:00.001Z

I haven’t been keeping up with worldly gossip but I did notice a new Internet craze sweeping past in the form of….

Oh yes, Charlie Sheen has raised himself to the same exalted, crazy level of Gary Busey. I didn’t realise just how nuts the drugs had made Charlie but judge for yourself….

Equality for men!

2011-03-07T17:05:00.001Z

I’m all for equality and fairness. In fact, I get angry when things aren’t fair – like when your average Joe goes to prison for doing drugs yet superstar celebrities get a slap on the wrist and then another record deal/movie/ad.

One of my long-running pet hates (aside from the corporate whore BBC demanding we pay a monthly fee if we own a TV) is the cheaper rates women get for car insurance… because they’re women.

Oh yes! For as long as I know, women have been enjoying smaller insurance costs because they were said to be “safer drivers than men”. So having a pair of testicles makes me a bad driver.

Thankfully the common sense brigade pointed out the obvious but all the insurance companies did was to rephrase it to “women make fewer more serious claims than men” See what they did there?

The whole thing just pissed me off for years because I always saw myself as a safe driver yet because I couldn’t have a baby I had to pay more to insure my car. Thankfully the European Union finally got something right (which is funny since they’re forcing us to give criminals the vote) and declared it a breach of sexual equality rights and that you cannot discriminate based on sex.

‘Bout bloody time.

Wakey, wakey Virgin Media consumer

2011-02-21T12:59:00.001Z

As some of you know I have a love-hate relati0nship with Virgin Media. I hate them because they bought over Telewest who were a great cable company with excellent customer service and decided to replace that with shoddy customer services. Yet I love them because they’re faster than everyone else in terms of broadband speed… which makes me hate them again because they technically have a monopoly there and no one seems bothered by this.

Anyway, for a while I’ve been on their smallest package (medium). I know, I know, it makes no sense either – I think the “small” package is being held hostage by BT or someone else. Anyway, It was frustrating because my speed would be cut from 10Mbit to 2Mbit after downloading 750MB worth of data in the evening. Being a gamer and general connoisseur of digital media, I quickly ate up that allowance which, according to VM, makes me a heavy user (about 3% of the customer base they claim). It’s bullshit of course. Was I a heavy user? In THIS day and age? Hell no.

I’d buy games on Steam and then find I’d need to download about 10GB in order to play, which meant days of downloading. I’d watch HD videos on youTube and Vimeo and very quickly find myself over the limit after just half an hour of watching.

So, with the missus joining me in the ‘zero, we decided to upgrade to the superfast XXXXXXXXXL package, 50Mbit. I’ll say this now – beware if you decide to phone Virgin – there’s a good chance you’ll get a call centre in Mumbai, I did :(

I really dislike companies that outsource call centres, so much so I left Admiral insurance because of it. However, no one else supplies Cable in the UK so I’m stuck with the Virgin – a necessary evil.

The woman on the phone found it difficult to understand my accent (what with it not being strong) and when I asked her whether they had just a modem or did I have to have the combined modem and router, she just repeated “you will receive a superhub and a USB dongle”. Another bad experience with an overseas call centre.

So the technician finally arrived last week and installed the massive “superhub” with all it’s super-bright lights. Who makes these things? Don’t they know we don’t need our electronics to be bright enough to help us in fog? I decided to ask the tech about the combined router and modem and that I’d read on the forums there would be an update coming. He just mentioned that some folk online would probably know, it was all too geeky for him. Again, no luck there.

So is there the wireless dongle as well?

Sorry?

When I ordered the upgrade, the woman explained that there would be a wireless dongle.

I don’t have that. I just have a van full of superhubs. Just phone up and ask about it although if you get someone from the Mumbai call centre, just ask for a team leader.

Like hell I was gonna spend money waiting in a queue only to repeat myself five times just to save Virgin money. I sent an email instead.

Strangely enough, two days later I had a phone call from someone at Virgin (in the UK no less) explaining that they’d post out my dongle. Fair enough I thought although I’m still not sure why I had to chase this up?

Now here’s where I got really pissed off. It’s Saturday morning and both the missus and I are woken up by a txt message from Virgin saying my dongle would arrive on Monday. And what time did this txt come through? HALF PAST BLOODY SEVEN IN THE MORNING!! Who the fuck sends a business message out at THAT time on a Saturday????

Aside from all the hassle of ordering and installing and chasing, the speed is amazing!

On the left is the old speed and on the right is the new one.

The superhub is total mince though. The router side of it is pretty flaky and doesn’t give you anywhere near enough control, plus the wireless kept dropping on funsizedsarah’s laptop. Once they release this firmware that means you can switch off the router side of it, I’ll get a decent router and hook it up.

Origins of the weirdo-magnet

2011-02-21T12:28:00.001Z

I went to see the Doctor today, which is a rarity itself. I’ve always been really healthy which led to my delusion that I’m indestructible (but it’s fun!!). My GP medical file contains one sheet of A4 and the only time I’ve actively decided to go to the doctor, he sent me up to the hospital with a suspected torn valve in my heart. Thankfully he was an idiot and I had just caught a viral infection thingy.

Anyway, I have a lump and as soon as you say that, folk get terrified. I’ve had this lump for about a decade (I think) and it’s never hurt or got bigger and I’ve always assumed it was just a lump of fatty tissue. It did however inspire me to claim the government had installed a “weirdo magnet” there hence why I had a strange magnetism towards nutters.

Of course now there’s a woman in my life, my health is really important to her and when she found it (don’t ask how), she asked me to go see someone about it. I’m pretty good at putting my family off when they nag me to get/buy/use stuff because I just play the “I’m independent” card. However, I can’t do that with the missus and so I made an appointment.

In the 10 years I’ve lived at the ‘zero, I’ve never once been to the GP practice so when I went down there I had no idea which part of reception I had to go to. Thankfully a receptionist noticed, took pity on me and booked me in. For some reason my GP for the day was Dr. Winks however I coulda sworn on the phone she’d said Dr. Wanks and I had to try hard not to say that when she asked which GP I was seeing.

So there I was in the waiting room surrounded with a number of folk, some of whom looked fine, some of who shoulda had a sealed barrier around them. With 10 minutes to wait I decided to pass the time by reading a magazine. Okay, so my options were…

Hello – Gossipy trash for women

Woman – Fashion, diets and gossipy trash for women

Caravan – Caravans and towing news, reviews and trash

I binned that plan and looked at the multitude of posters around the wall until I was suitably terrified to go near anyone for fear of catching everything. The Caravan magazine option was quickly picked instead.

But it wasn’t long before Dr. Winks called for me and I was greated with a middle-aged man who was a professional glarer. God I thought he was gonna shout at me and slap me so I played stupid and told him I didn’t come to the doctor’s very often but the girlfriend had insisted. This seemed to shatter his glare and he was suddenly all jokey and cool.

Upon discussion and groping of my arse he concluded that I was right – it was just fatty tissue – and there was no real need to remove it although if I wanted, they’d do it (which made me think I could have it in a jar on my desk at work .

Anyway, I asked where the nearest exit was, ‘I’ve never been here before so I’m not sure’

‘Out the window’ he replied.

Don’t tempt me Doc! So the weirdo magnet stays until it either bursts out my arse like some sorta confused Alien or it develops a face and tries to steal my girlfriend from me.

Stuff

2011-02-21T12:03:00.001Z

And so the ‘zero gets a woman’s touch and by woman’s touch, I mean cushions! Yes, Fun-sized-Sarah has officially moved in at chez Gurn. It’s nice. Okay, so it’s pretty awesome but it doesn’t feel that much different from how I did things originally other than being able to speak to another person all the time instead of just myself :)

However, the downside is that my flat (which was always full of stuff) is now full of even more stuff and both Sarah and I have to cut said stuff down to a reasonable amount. It doesn’t help that my sister has filled one of two lockups I have with her stuff on the promise of moving it “when I get a house” she said.

Here’s where all Sarah’s stuff is at the minute…

Ah well, time to call upon the skills of space compression PLUS TWO!!!

I’m sorry but I seem to have run out of milk

2011-02-05T13:04:00.001Z

Today has proven that my weirdo magnet hasn’t gone, it’s just not as strong as it used to be.

Fun-sized Sarah answered the door at the ‘zero today (she was dressed and I was in a housecoat) and within a few seconds went “GURN!” So naturally, I took over detail at the door and was presented with some guy holding an empty glass and looking like he’d spent the entire morning smoking something that reduced brain activity with each puff.

“Hi mate, I’m just askin’ if ah cun have two glasses of milk aff ye?”

I’m a bit stunned here as I’ve NEVER been asked this before

“You can’t have two glasses, I don’t have enough milk but you can have a glass. Stay there, I’ll go get the milk. Where are you from?”

“Uh.. I live .. well, I’m at ma mate’s and he’s door floors down”

I know what you’re thinking – why the hell am I giving away milk to spaced-out door knockers? A couple of reasons

1) It’s blog worthy to the nth degree!

2) I really wanted to live the bizarre life of pouring a glass of milk at my doorstep to someone I don’t know

3) Once he was gone, I wanted to laugh my ass off with the missus :)

Oh, and I know who lives 2 floors below and it ain’t him – his mate lives one floor below me – idiot.

“Here you go, sorry but you’ll need to live with semi-skimmed milk.”

“Cheers pal, woah, that’s enough. I only wanted 2 wee bits ae milk.”

“What? I thought you said two glasses?”

“Did you think I meant two glasses?”

“Aye”

“Naw man, two wee glasses” He points to a tiny fraction of the glass as if the measures of a “glass” had changed overnight."

“Cheers pal” he says as he scampers off back downstairs.

We’ve spent some of the morning trying to figure out why he wanted, what can only be described as, 2 shots worth of milk? FSS’s idea is milk for tea – mine is milk for some sort of drug-taking method that’s about to sweep the nation. Who knows?

“so realllll”

2011-02-03T16:59:00.001Z

I like it when folk take the piss out of things. For example, when they take the piss out of tv-shows or movies, music, real people, that sort of thing. Doing the job I do, I’m subjected to teenagers creaming themselves over the latest FPS game release from the Call of Duty franchise, so I smiled when I watched this piss-take of the game series.

The UK will be closed

2011-01-30T11:06:00.001Z

If you’re not from the UK and you don’t follow world news then this will shock your Nike trainers off your feet – Prince William is getting married this year. Before I begin, you will probably garner from this post that I am, in fact, not a fan of royalty. All they seem to be are tourist attractions and good for an odd scandal or two. I know the UK public fell in love with Diana and then when she died, the rest of the world suddenly remembered they loved her too but I just can’t stand them.

Anyway, back to my news – Because Mr. Windsor is getting married this year, pretty much most of the country gets a day off work to watch the wedding on TV.

Will I be watching it? No.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take a paid day off work gladly but why is there a need for it? How can one marriage cause the majority of the country to pretty much stop for a day?

That being said, go see The King’s Speech – it’s brilliant!

Gurn-zero = uber recycling centre

2011-01-28T16:10:00.001Z

I’ve been recycling for over a decade now, having started off by taking ownership of it all, when I lived with my folks. When I left the nest, my Dad took over the duties and I continued at the ‘zero. Since I live in a flat, I don’t have wheelie bins like normal houses have – there’s just a giant bucket that collects the rubbish from 8 flats – so I can't just put my recycling out, I have to walk down the hill to the recycling point and do it there. No real hassle to be honest, just time consuming since I seem to save up all the cardboard, bottles and tins.

Imagine my surprise when the council put a leaflet through my door telling me I can order proper boxes and have my recycling collected from the kerb! Naturally, I ordered all the stuff.

They arrived today – a red and blue box and I’m sadly excited by it all.

I know, that’s why I said “sadly”

The instructions on what goes where is fairly confusing though.

Red box – cardboard, cereal boxes

Blue box – Glass, tins

Blue bag – paper, newspapers

Clear bag – batteries

Red bag – textiles

Opaque bag – plastic cartons

Why couldn’t they just stick with 2 boxes? Where the fuck did all these coloured bags come from???

Hulk not green, Hulk BLACK!

2011-01-24T17:09:00.001Z

Terry Crews scares me.

If ever there was a walking mountain of man muscle, it’s Terry. Not only that, but he has crazzzeeeee eyes too! FunsizedSarah and I watched Gamer last night (having enjoyed it the first time… plus she has a thing for Gerrard and I like mindless violence) and Terry was just as massive as ever. For those who don’t know who Terry is, here he is ripping shit up at the stock exchange because his stocks in Ragecetamol weren’t doing well.

The genius of Terry are his adverts for Old Spice (who should get an award for a brilliant re-branding of their image). Enjoy!

Fare ye well Terry fans….

Lured by the pound

2011-01-06T18:36:00.001Z

I had to take my car into the garage today for it’s first MOT (which gives me a piece of paper saying the car’s legally fit for the road) and whilst it was being put through an hour and a half of tests, I took the boy into Dunfermline’s town centre for some shopping, and when I say shopping, I obviously mean not buying anything.

It wasn’t long before I bought something – sausage rolls.

I’d decided that this was the year when I would pay “high street” prices for clothes instead of moaning that I can get 2 pairs of jeans in Primark for £20. There seems to be something genetically stopping me from spending £45 on a single pair of jeans though. I mean, I tried to seriously consider them as a purchase but that little voice in my head just said…

“For the same price you can get 2 full outfits in Matalan!”

I think it’s the result of my weegie upbringing.

Anyway, we walked into a Poundland to have a scoop for some DVD bargains. I’m sure every country has some version of Poundland – here’s an example of their typical offers and whilst they advertise lots of well known brands off the back of a lorry, they also deal in household wares, toys, chemicals, entertainment stuff. I know Ireland has Crazypound (I know this because I ran into it screaming with joy when I came across it on my holidays)

I found their DVD section – always a good source of B-movies – and quickly found out that my Bloodfist movie had a brother… Bloodfist 2! Not only that but seems there were a whole host of sequels with Bloodfist 3 and 4 there as well.

So that was £3 spent.

We went round into the next aisle and there was another DVD section. After another rummage with the boy asking me if I like every single DVD he picked up, I found another 4 gems.

Up to £7 now.

Since I’d been buying myself stuff, I decided to let the boy have his pick of the toys and as I thought – he went for the imitation transformer that looked like someone with one eye had designed the transformation process between robot and car.. since the car part didn’t really work.

£8

As we neared the checkouts, he also pointed out that he was thirsty so I picked up the smallest bottle of water they had – 1L. Seriously, who can drink a whole litre of water… aside from folk running marathons… and my sister?

£9

At the checkout the woman got to the water..

“You know the water’s on offer – 2 bottles for £1?”

“It’s okay, I only want the one.”

“Uh… I can’t sell you just one though. You’d need to buy two in order to buy it.”

“Oh”

What the fuck? To be honest, the boy only wanted a sip as did I and whilst it only cost me a pound, I still ended up carrying 2 litres of water about.

We decided to head back to the car as it would be ready soon. On the way back we popped into one more shop – another cheap-as-chips shop that I can’t mind the name of. There wasn’t much going on in there… until I noticed this…

Can you see what caught my eye? Ho ho good pun Gurn!

Yup the baby’s missing a pupil and the result is super creepy! It’s like some baby version of a bond-villain henchman. RUNNNNN… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

Gurn-zero heading for a womany touch

2011-01-05T10:25:00.001Z

Things having been going really well with fun-sized-sarah and I for a while now and I have decided to ask her to move in with me (she said yes by the way). I had planned on doing it at the end of this month over a meal in a steak restaurant that we’ve had to keep cancelling on – this is the romantic side of me coming out – but she dropped a clanger on me last month when she said she had to give a month’s notice to her landlord. It wasn’t the ideal place but I ended up asking her to move in right there, on the spot, whilst we were crossing the street – there goes the romance.

So she’s moving in in February although due to holidays, it seems the earliest she can move in is on Valentine’s day. I know, I know, you’re probably laughing and going “awwwww so cute” but I didn’t plan that – it’s just a coincidence… A COINCIDENCE I SAY!

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve lived with someone (B-man and no we weren’t a couple although we bickered like one) but I’m pretty excited by it.

Another year rolls on

2011-01-05T10:16:00.001Z

Happy 2011 everyone!! Hope you had a good one and the Hogmanay fairy was good to ya :) I had my first quiet Hogmanay with my party dissolving before the bells rang – B-man and Twisted Barbie were dying with the flu/suspected-swine-flu and couldn’t make it; Timberwolf and his missus got really tired and retired to their villa and Fun-sized-Sarah’s mate had to go too as she was up early on the 1st. It felt a bit weird just the two of us watching the bells hit but hey, it was still fun!

Anyway, here’s to the next decade and a year that I can call Twenty-Eleven instead of Two Thousand and Eleven (it’s important)

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T14:24:00.001Z

I’ve taken 2.7 minutes out of my slightly hectic day (cleaning, ironing, getting clothes ready for the boy and I to spend 2 nights at the folks, and trying to move the boy’s presents without him seeing) to wish you all a happy Christmas – may your bellies be full and your hands shredded from multiple, wrapping-paper papercuts.

Enjoy!

Bom bom bom bom!

2010-12-16T18:53:00.001Z

Some of you, well, most of you probably don’t know that the missus sings in a female barbershop chorus and one of their numbers is Mr. Sandman. Every time I hear that song I think of the Back to the Future movie!

Anyway, we were looking up a version done by another female barbershop choir, the Puppini Sisters when I took the helm of our youTube search and found this gem!

Sheer genius! :p

Sledgefest 2010

2010-12-07T20:26:00.002Z

Timberwolf invited funsizedSarah and I sledging and having never done it before, I figured it couldn’t hurt.

Boy I was wrong! We had two plastic sledges whilst Timberwolf had made his own, home-made sledge out of wood (some of which came from my old bed). Our first hill had this one mound of earth that launched me on my first go. After that painful event I broke out the camera and tried the wooden sledge.

After that, my camera ran out of batteries and we headed round to a beast of a hill that saw a lot more incidents of frosty agony.

Good fun though!

Spider invasion

2010-12-06T20:51:00.001Z

Whenever it has snowed, I have always built a snowman… until last year, when I didn’t. Last year I decided to put my creative juices to good use and I built a Snow T-Rex and a Snow Shark to impress the boy. Mission accomplished.

This year I decided to build a Snow Spider and after a long night where I couldn’t sleep because my brain was buzzing, I even came up with a plan on exactly how it should look and how I could “paint” it.

So ladies and gentlemen, I give you 2010’s Snow beast….

And to give you the idea of how big it is, here’s the boy himself with it.

My sister’s terrified of it.

If it snows early next year I may need to build something else but who knows what?!

Oh and I painted it with food colouring mixed with water ;)

Having children with the Intarrwebs

2010-12-02T12:26:00.001Z

I checked my emails this morning to find a mail from someone called lycatelves with the subject of “hello cool man!” Naturally I knew it was a piece of spam but when it calls me a cool man then I’m obliged to read it.

In the agency showed me some of the male profiles from flirtbox. I have chosen your. They gave me your email mail. I decided to send you message. I want to find, a man raising a family or friendship. I would like to get acquainted with a man who could appreciate my concern, tenderness and love. I want my man was responsible, able to give a helping hand and sympathize with me in any problems. I sincerely wish to find the man as. Because when I studied you, my heart became a little Braked with feeling pleasant. To me it will be difficult the MODEL With COVERS gets acquainted with you, because I NOT I have no children, but I very much would like to have children If you agree with me - write to me, I'll be happy. I enclose my photograph with this e-mail. I look forward to your news! Marinelle.

Ahh that made me smile : )

Seems that in this day and age we’ve to ignore the meeting for drinks/meal/cinema in order to get to know one another and just have children. Also, who the hell are the “agency” and what are they doing giving my email out to crazy women with English as a 4th language?

Usually spams come with an email link or an attachment that infects your pc but this one had neither. I think the poor spammer forgot to attach something… either that or they were putting all their money on their cunning story and thinking I’d reply saying YU B HAVEING MIND BAYBEES!!!

All the way from Sweden

2010-12-02T12:14:00.001Z

I like this.

Seems the American version of our balls, Pop Idol (or whatever they’re calling it now) has some guy covering this. I find it funny when people want to cover a cover of a song.

Snow Trek: Quest for the Shovel

2010-12-01T21:19:00.001Z

After failing to find a shovel in the local hypermarket (why can’t they just be content with being a supermarket like the others?), I decided to trek 3.4 miles out to the B&Q at the outskirts of the city (for those unaware, B&Q sell everything you could need to build your own house). According to Google, who are telling me it’s almost a 7 mile round trip, it should take 1hr and 7 minutes. I figured through the snow, sludge and blizzards it would be 1hr 30 but somehow I made it in under an hour. Anyway, I took my new camera along for the ride to show you the sights of the winter.

I tell folk that cars are buried under snow at my bit and I always have to point out that I do mean buried!

You can see why I’ll need a shovel for my car. Up ‘til now I’ve been using an A4 lever-arch folder to scoop or “file” the snow away. Not ideal and that is especially apparent when you start noticed your makeshift snow shovel disintegrating into bits of cardboard.

As you can see I still haven’t fully set up my new camera and I have this gaudy orange date-stamp on every picture. Thankfully walking through untouched snow was a rarity as it was up to my shins.

I love icicles – there’s something really cool and magical about them so when I started passing houses that had them on display like ornaments, I had to take some pics!

Of course, being Scotland, when it’s blue skies you know it ain’t gonna last and within half an hour of walking, a lot more snow came.

By the way – that jacket’s awesome – Matalan for the win! At one point I stumbled in the blizzard and found my leg sinking in snow up to the knee. Mein gott!!

Thankfully there was an underpass up ahead and I took refuge there for a moment.

From there, it was another 20 odd minutes until I reached the orange mecca or B&Q. I strolled in shaking snow off my eyebrows and hair and 2 greeters welcomed me.

‘Welcome!’

‘Hi, which aisle would I find a shovel in?’ I warmly ask

‘I’m afraid we’re all sold out of shovels.’

‘Argh! Well do you have anything even remotely shovel-like?’

‘’Fraid not.’

Shite is all I can say to that. As it turned out, my dad phoned to say he almost ran over a shovel that was lying in the road at his work so he brought it over and saved my day.

Pelayo and boobs

2010-12-01T00:12:00.000Z

Okay so it’s almost midnight here and I’m not tired, plus I’m listening to this bizarre album by Chris Cornell called “Scream” and it’s all weird poppy, dance shit. Anyway, Digging through my archives unveiled these two banners.

I came across this one (don’t ask me how because it’s been that long that I honestly don’t know!) and it made me chortle. It’s all about the “sports” nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

This next one is a gem. It was sitting beside my inbox in hotmail and I just had to take it to show you.

Meet Pelayo!

So what’s he gonna show you? I think it’s the thing that wedged in the crack of his ass (or maybe that’s just his Noddy boxers that’s stuck up there?)

Hmm.. do I want to win almost 11 stone of boxers? Would I have that many that I could class them as disposable?

Another thing that strikes me about crack-man is that his head is HUUUGE!! He’s like one of those bobble head thingies.

If you’re interested in finding out more about massive-heid, crack-man Pelayo then look no further, I have found his blog – click me.

Where have the days gone?

2010-11-30T23:49:00.001Z

It seems so long since I’ve posted and even though I’ve had breaks in the past, they’ve never been this long before. I had a big period where I became hooked on games and whenever I got in from work, I’d load a game up and crack on with it (that is, as long as the boy or the missus wasn’t about).

So much has happened however all the juicy bits are either saved in my “to blog” bookmark list or in my “to blog” folder so never fear :)

I’ll hit you with simple news right now – it’s snowing in Scotland. Snowing a lot! My work has been closed every day this week so far and I’m off tomorrow as well. I can’t see me being back this week but at some point soon I’m gonna have to dig my car out from under the snow.

More to follow…

Counter-Strike's fair usage policy

2010-08-12T17:18:00.002+01:00

A long, long time ago, when I can still remember... I used to play Counter-Strike. It was and still is a multiplayer, first-person shooter revolving around terrorists and counter-terrorists. It was fun if a little frustrating at times due to the strange situation where you'd empty 60+ bullets into your enemy and then they kill you with just 3. A man who shares my pain is Van Damme.

Take it away JCVD...

God bless him.

The art of the faceplant I

2010-08-11T23:56:00.001+01:00

I do so love seeing people hurt themselves when they show off. There’s this sadistic joy I get when it happens and I’m sure others experience it too. Here’s a few I’ve found that tickle my fancy…

Parkour’s amazing to watch and I’m incredibly jealous of those smug gits who can do it but this guy isn’t one of them.

Yeah, maybe just climbing down was the answer.

Next up, surfing – again, something I’m jealous that I can’t do but since I live in Scotland and the highest waves we get at the beach could just cover your knees, I’ll not worry too much about it.

Mmm.. salty!

Finally, strippers. Again, how they move about a pole is pretty impressive since I’d be too busy trying to shimmy it up to the celiing.

Hehehe

Top five immortals

2010-08-11T19:08:00.003+01:00

Time for another top five and this time I've decided to give you those who will never die because they’re powered by something other than a heart and blood, kinda like that cool, Nazi assassin from Hellboy.

At No. 5

It’s the Queen

I’m not a supporter of royalty although the UK’s royal family are really just there to do loads of charity work, tempt the tourists, serve in the armed forces and tour places we’ve owned at one point in our history.

Of course she has a son, Prince Charles, who’s close to becoming a pensioner himself. He knows he’s never gonna be King. Hell, the way she’s going, his kids will never be King either!

How does she stay alive? Gurn’s guess is she feeds on the blood of new-born “colonial” babies.

At No. 4

It’s Paul McCartney

I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a fan of the Beatles. Don’t get me wrong, they can write some pretty good songs, it’s just other folk seem to be able to cover them better.

Paul is one of the few surviving members of the band - Ringo’s still alive (he’s pretty much shut himself off from the world probably in fear of the Beatles Curse or something). At one point Paul was on every channel and I threw imaginary cushions at the tv.

So why will Paul never die? Gurn’s guess is that he’s made a pact with Satan, sacrificing his former band members for immortality. Of course, being the devil, there was a twist and it seems Paul still ages. Muhahhahaha!

At No. 3

It’s Bruce Forsyth

Nice to see you, to see you nice! Those who don’t live in the UK may not know who this person is so let me enlighten you. He must be the longest serving entertainer in the country. He was doing all that Strictly Come Dancing tv crap and at his age (82) he could still swing folk around a wooden floor (impressive).

Brucie has a bus pass, is on the first list for any winter innoculations and probably ties his trousers that high up they’re around his nipples.

I don’t mind Brucie, I liked him more when he did the game shows instead of this reality dancing crap which seems to have secreted itself into other countries.

What’s Brucie’s secret? Gurn’s guess is mechanical skeleton which is why he’s an avid Sunflower grower (he needs the oil for his joints).

At No. 2

The evil of Cliff Richard

WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!

I don’t know what aspect of Cliff annoys me more – his Christmas number one hits or his goddamn clean living. Honestly, when was the last time you heard any kinda scandal with Cliff?

Another person who has a bus pass although with his money he could buy the city he lives in and just rebuild his house next to the bingo club.

Is that the blood of innocents he’s drinking? Don’t be daft, this is Cliff we’re talking about! I bet it’s not even wine – it’ll be Ribena but really, really weak Ribena.

How does Cliff keep on going? The Christmas single he releases every year carries subliminal messages that drain viewers of their lifeforce, shortening thier lives and extending his – very clever Cliff.

At No. 1

Keith Richards

He is legend amongst the immortals even though he is only “classed” as being 66 of our Earth years.

Keith’s lifestyles really should have killed him long ago yet still he evaded Death at every opportunity. His skin has been rated inflammable and he donates samples to Ambre Solaire who use it to create Factor 100 sunblock.

So what’s Keith’s secret to immortality? Drugs. Pure and simple.

To be precise, it’s the combination and quantity of drugs that has produced the side effect of immortality and scientists are at a loss to figure out how to recreate the exact circumstances that produces this. Interviewing Keith is pointless as immortality has moved his brain and communication methods onto a higher level.

No, I’m afraid that when the Human species has gone from this planet, there’ll just be Keith… and lots of cockroaches.

Honourable mention

Slash

Slash gets a mention mostly because of FunSizedSarah. We had a discussion about him and I delivered my thesis on whether or not he was an immortal.

Seems he’s not, he’s dead.

Yup, Slash died ages ago but has been re-animated and now exists because of his symbiotic hat which allows him lifelife behaviours in exchange for human brains. Yes, Slash is powered by ZombieHat!

This is why you’ll never see him without his hat.

Seven years

2010-08-10T17:05:00.001+01:00

I missed my blog's 7th birthday :( I'm such a bad blogger sometimes

I'm reviewing PCs

2010-08-10T16:58:00.004+01:00

Over the next few months I'm going to be upgrading my digital world and so I'm looking about for pc reviews and the likes. I stumbled across this and went, "holy shit that's me!".. kinda. He's got mad black hair and my beard which may not seem like a lot to finger someone as being "me" but I've still not seen anyone else sporting this combo.

I LIKE TO HOLD IT!!!

CERVIX!

2010-07-08T14:11:00.003+01:00

Since TwistedBarbie's mind is in the gutter in her last post, I thought I'd join her by sharing this vid with you.

Just as well they don't show this in schools during sex ed. or we'd have a nation of young adults terrified of sex and constantly washing themselves with powdered bleach to kill "the wee men inside me"

Come to think of it... let's show it in schools!

Swim, swim for your life

2010-07-08T09:40:00.003+01:00

Apologies for having a blog holiday for the past.. erm.. almost-two-months (whoops).

I'm on holiday from work now until mid August. (sweet, sweet candy!)

Anyway, I spotted a link to this technology and went and found a video for it to demonstrate. Not sure what I think of a treadmill for swimmers. Then again since I'm the type of swimmer who moans if there isn't a flume in the pool, my opinion is probably worthless :p

Yeah we don't really have the weather or garden space for one of those bad-boys but I did like how the salesman was honest, saying if you wanted to put it indoors you'd need a big door or new construction which basically translates to having something akin the gates to Jurassic Park.. or build yourself a new house for it.

But maybe you're like me and don't want to take another mortgage out just to buy something that replaces a 2 minute drive to the local swimming pool, £3 for a few hours swim and 50p for a locker? Well, never fear, I have found a cheaper water-tread-mill thingy and trust me, it's well cheap!

WOOOO! Elastic straps for the win!

Problems with Ads

2010-05-31T19:05:00.000+01:00

Who has the bigger face I wanna punch?

Alternative lifestyle toys

2010-05-31T17:51:00.003+01:00

I like taking photos in shops and usually I have the shop keeper watching me like a hawk because of it. Obviously when he/she sees me laughing as I'm doing it they realise I'm not from a rival shop and that I'm just a nutter.

I discovered this one day...

It's Atlas from Gladiators and whilst I'm not going to comment on the show because I watched the first incarnation when I were but a teenager hungry for saturday violence, I am going to point out this is one shit-looking toy! Just check out Atlas' noggin'!

Elect me 2010 - Communists

2010-05-19T20:30:00.002+01:00

I was trolling the interweb looking up weird and wonderful parties running in the election (see Twisted Barbie's post on Mad Cap'n Tom), when I came across the Glasgow Communist Party. Now I don't really have a big thing about communism because, let's be honest, capitalism's pretty shit at times too. Plus I think USA took a monopoly on communism hatred so there was hardly any left to go round the rest of us.

Anyway, I saw this and burst out laughing...

You'd think if you were running as a candidate you'd be able to spell your party's name? Would you trust someone who looked like that? Can you just imagine him as Prime Minister? (I know it's impossible but hey, it's fun)

Elect me 2010 - Conservative

2010-05-10T20:22:00.002+01:00

And now we reach the Tories. I've never really liked them after the horrors of Thatcher and Major but that's not really why I'm going all out on this post, no, the Torie's man in my area is Jason Rust and he has saturated the area with flyers - a record breaking amount of flyers. Not only that but he sent his pensioner army around my street and a knocking on my door. I don't mind the odd flyer but I think Jason Rust is probably responsible for the loss of an entire forest somewhere in the world. I got so much crap from Jason that I thought he was bigger than the Conservative party.

The first few flyers from Jason were the usual mince from the political parties

and then...

He called to see me? What the hell did he want? He'd already ordered a pensioner to my door a couple of weeks before hand and I'd told her I didn't want to be a member of his bingo club. Surely trying to get in touch with me again is a step in the right direction for stalking?

Then more flyers came...

Obviously Jason had noticed that I hadn't binned his flyers and thought I needed more so he sent me a whole sodding newspaper devoted to himself.

Wish I could vote to change my address so he can't find me next time. But being the curious type I looked at his paper and realised that he has this odd need to be in as many photos as possible even if he's not really the focus of the photo.

Jason spots a passing parade with photographer and latches on to the crowd...

Here Jason promotes mixed-age boxing matches...

But what about Jason's core values? Well, he cares about our elderly and thinks that workshops giving them the skills to cut ribbons provides them with the respect they deserve.

Another core value is supporting local businesses and there's nothing he loves more than being bored by Cathy MacTavish (creator of the high-visibility flasher coat that's taking Scotland by storm)

Here's Jason with a picture of (sadly) our current Prime Minister...

Don't be fooled though, that's not David Cameron, it's just a cardboard standee Jason keeps in his bedroom. But he does like posing with other folk such as this guy.. who seems important but then again, I wear a tie at work too and I'm not important.

Then it hit me, maybe Jason would get more votes if he upped his image.. maybe something like this?

I got near the end of his propaganda rag and they assumed I was a dimwitted reader who needed to be reminded of why I should vote for Jason so they spelled it out for me in BIG FUCKING WRITING!! RAR!

Frighteningly, remember when I tweeted about one of Jason's cronies knocking on my door? Well I went down the stairs and into the street after that to find a whole sodding army of them.. with jason and look.. here's a pic about 3 seconds AFTER I've just walked past them all in MY street!

I know this has been some serious overkill on the tories but I'm just trying to show you how much overkill they used with trying to sway me their way. But I'll leave you with the last image on the newspaper...

1. He can help you find milk and dog food in Asda
2. He wears a scarf.. not many other candidates wear scarves*
3. He dislikes people with more than 10 items in the "10 items or less" checkout queue

*this may be inaccurate

Elect me 2010 - Labour

2010-05-10T20:04:00.002+01:00

So Labour was the party in power for what's seemed like ages although I never really thought Gordon Brown was a very good Prime Minister. He was an excellent Chancellor and very good with the country's money but he had all the charisma of a carrot. His current Chancellor is Alistair Darling.. who's crap at managing money it seems AND has the most evil eyebrows on the planet (something I demonstrated last time around)

Mr. Darling is the labour man for my local area and he comfortably won it last time around so obviously thought only 3 flyers would be necessary to secure my vote.

See, that's his plan - just have his hypnotic eyebrows capture your gaze you and brainwash you into voting red and when it does this happens to you...

That's right folks, his eyebrows take over yours and you find yourself supporting 2 fat, dark slugs above your eyes!

I'll leave you with this image just to assure you Darling isn't of this earth.

Elect me 2010 - SNP

2010-05-10T19:32:00.004+01:00

Job application time at work has been keeping me busy as of late so I've not had a chance to post about the election this time around. You'll remember from the last national vote that I was inundated with propaganda from the various parties via pamphlets and leaflets and whatnot and that I shared them with you. Well, the UK has just had a general election which really proves our system is fucked for want of a better phrase.

The Conservative party (the tories) won with 36% of the votes. So basically they can run the country even though 64% of it didn't vote for them. First Past the Post has a lot to answer for if you ask me.

Anyway, My letterbox was busy receiving loads of crap from some of the major parties and I'll start off with the SNP.. basically because I voted for them last year (since I'm a supporter or Independance) This time around I didn't vote for them because they didn't do a very good job of running the country and haven't even managed to hold a referendum on independance.

So who's my local rep? Well it's this woman...

This is how Alex Salmond runs his party - by threatening to slug them in the gut if they don't O B E Y!

From flyer number 2 it seemed that they were letting all manner of strange looking people into the party.

Scary!

Speeeeeeed!

2010-05-05T21:02:00.001+01:00

Just as well I use this browser then ;)

Code 3 - Fruit and Veg counter

2010-04-26T16:57:00.004+01:00

I noticed this after trying to find an article of news on who had been stabbed where in Scotland...

You can read the full article here although if you ask me, he's guilty.

If he can't remember what he was doing how would he know he wasn't weighing little Jonesy?

But beware the Scotmid supermarket because they're likely to frame you for things like this. I'll need to be on my guard when I get a loaf of bread tomorrow.

Oxygen? Bah, that's for the weak!

2010-04-21T20:51:00.007+01:00

Had another date with the dentist today (seems like 4 months has flown by). It's the weirdest thing having two folk trying to do stuff in your mouth with tools - the dentist has the scraper of pain and the super pressured, water-jet thingy that strips the plaque off your teeth like a pressure washer but also has you gargling dirty water.. which is where the second person comes in with the vacuum. It was all fine although she did say this to me before she started with it all...

At one point she sprayed my top incisors and the spray went all over my face - was bloody drenched!

I need a young priest and an old priest

2010-04-21T20:34:00.001+01:00

Bringing back the video posts :)

Rules of the road? Hell, let's just make them up!

2010-04-19T17:25:00.004+01:00

I see every drive in my car as a potential threat to my chilled outlook on life mostly due to coming across a lot of bad drivers. Lots of things annoy me, from folk who use mobile phones whilst driving, to people who can't work out what an indicator is for. I was almost home free today without any incident at all. Hell, I even made it onto my street but wait.. here comes trouble.

There's a road joining my street up ahead with road works on it but I have right of way so they need to stop 'til I'm past. Not this guy though - typical White Van Man (I do hate them for being ridiculously reliable in being a cock.

This guy looks kinda like him although add a bit more muscle.. everywhere. (I swear to god everytime I have a confrontation with someone they look as if working out is the second most important thing in their life, just below annoying me)

This white van man just pulls right out in front of me causing both of us to slam on the breaks. So what does he do? Apologise and limp off feeling shit? Hell no, he drives alongside and rolls down his window. So I put mine down too.

Tim (we'll call him Tim): "Listen, I have roadworks on that street so I can't see past them!" He's shouting this at me as if it makes him more right.
Gurn: "Yeah well you're supposed to go slow and approach the junction to see if anything's coming." I'm being a bit condescending here
Tim: "Shut up, what am I supposed to do eh?"
Gurn: "It's a junction! You stop 'coz I'm going straight up the hill!!"
Tim: "Well you're stopped right now ain'tcha?"
Gurn: Aye 'coz you're van's right across my bloody car."

So we parted on friendly terms with Tim calling me a "prick" and me replying with "whatever, twat". In hindsight I shoulda been more creative with my farewell swearing.. maybe something like "have a nice drive home cockbag" or "Maybe they'll make a Highway Code pop-up book for you soon"

I was just busy containing the road rage so my sharp mind wasn't too.. erm.. sharp. Thankfully I got in the 'zero to find a postcard from my mate who'd been in Cuba and that cheered me up :D

Sshhh.. don't tell anyone

2010-04-15T08:26:00.002+01:00

The police had a presence in my area the other day however it was just as well I'm so observant or else I might have missed their covert operation.

Who knows what evils the police were hoping to catch on their secret cameras?

Monster Lamp #2

2010-04-15T08:22:00.003+01:00

You may remember me posting about funsizedsarah's Monster Lamp way back in this post, well we were in Tescos acquiring supplies for our camping trip when I saw this -

Seems everyone can own a piece of hellish illumination! :D

Next time I'm in, I'm buying one - bargain at only £5 too.

Patient Gurn

2010-04-08T23:50:00.005+01:00

The last time I went to the Doctor's, I was 18 or 19 and experiencing what the GP told me was, "a possible tear in a valve in my heart" only to be told by a hospital doctor that it was, "a chest infection. Take two pills a day for a week" (I took one pill and it went away). Ever since then I've never really needed to go see a Doctor for anything because all I've ever had was the odd cold. So when I moved into the big city of Edinburgh, I never changed my GP.

It wasn't until I phoned NHS 24 to ask about a toothache problem last year that the kind lady on the phone pointed out I'd lived in the city for almost a decade and didn't have a local GP. I'd never had a kind telling off before - was weird.

Anyway, I got my ass into gear and filled in the usual paperwork with the local practice only to be told I had to make an appointment for a medical.
Crap! I thought.

So here we are, months and months after I'd made the appointment for it and I had it this afternoon. How was it you ask? (or maybe you don't in which case why are you still reading this you weirdo?) I hate places where the ill congregate - who's idea was it to get all the ill people together in one room so they can have a free-for-all with infecting each other?

I sat there thinking about the Doctor I'd get. Would it be a scary-looking woman who's every response to my moans would be "it's man-flu, shut up and get over it" even if I were to describe the symptoms of the Black Death?

or maybe it would be a guy who's resting on his Phd laurels but doesn't actually have a scoob about anything? (much like my GP back at the beginning of this story)

Or perhaps it would be a boy genius who has sinister shennigans going on.. oh and a basement.

Okay, maybe not.

I waited a bit and then finally gave up trying to figure out what the hell Gardener's World magazine were on about with plant and harvest times. But before the boy (he was with me for moral support) interrupted my train of thought with a book about big tractors, I started thinking "what if it's not a Doctor but a nurse?"

Now there was a different question and my crazed mind pictured a matron-type middle-aged woman who's bedside manner was along the lines of fluffing your pillow whilst your head was still lying on it.

Orrrr the only other option was a male nurse who's about as bland and nice as you can get.

But I was wrong on all counts - I had some kinda of Doctor/nurse specialist see me.. and she was middle-aged.. and she wasn't matron :)

She was really nice actually and we spoke about her son mostly because she asked about my job which then brought on the subject of studying (the last time I spoke with a woman I didn't know about my job, I got half a haircut).

Mary (can't mind her name so let's call her Mary): "Right, so you're 5ft 10 and 10st 7?"
Gurn: "Yeah... hold on, how did you know that?"
Mary: *pointing to her screen* "That's what you said in your application form"
Gurn: *pausing for a minute* "Oh.. yeah, of course... I'm an idiot.
Mary: "Right so let's get some tests done."

Tests? What kind of tests I wondered? Was I going to be hooked up to some, weird Ghostbusters machine with wires all over my noggin to measure brainwaves, lung efficiency and all round goodguyness?

Nah, that never happened. She started off measuring my blood pressure, something which I'm used to.. well, the apparatus (since I donate blood). But she didn't have one of those hand pumps! Instead I was hooked up to a machine that inflated the strap round my arm and KEPT INFLATING!! I thought, if this keeps going I'm gonna scream like Arnie.

Thankfully the machine sensed the Arnieness rising inside me and switched off which gave her the all-clear to say I was fine for pressure in my blood.

Finally she asked for a urine sample and before anyone butts in with any jokes, I'll kill it now and say I brought a sample with me in a test-tube type thing. I remember the last time I had to pee into one of those damn things - lost control a bit and over-filled it in what seemed like 1/100th of a second. I was better prepared this time so no mess.

>

note - this is not my actual sample - I'm not that weird

I apologised for the small amount of sample explaining (as only I seem to do) how a series of events led me to realise at the last minute that I had to bring a sample with me and I'd already pissed. Why did I bother explaining that? She just said it was fine, if it tested okay she'd just chuck it anyway. I enquired what she was testing for and Mary said "protein levels, blood in it, that sort of thing".

So the final verdict? I'm healthy with nothing to worry about. She didn't even say anything about my lack of regular exercise stating that my job kept me on my feet all day and so was helping me keep fit. If you say so Mary.

Censor this EA!

2010-04-06T14:22:00.003+01:00

Sometimes I play Battlefield Heroes with Da-B-Man, TwistedBarbie and Timberwolf. In truth, we used to play more in the past than we do nowadays purely because we have other games to play but we went back to it a couple of weeks ago. As you go through the game you get points which you can use to buy weapons and clothes for your Battlefield Hero. However they only last a couple of months at most unless you're idiotic enough to actually spend real Human money on it.

When I loaded up my character all my clothes were missing AND I hardly had any points. Booo! But, not being one who is deterred easily (there's that stubbornness coming through), I decided to play naked (or as close to naked as the game would allow me - just boxers)

Imagine my surprise when I load into the map and EA (the makers of the game) have instantly clothed my character in the most basic of clothes - trousers, jacket and socks.

I feel cheated now

Monster Lamp #1

2010-04-05T09:07:00.005+01:00

I'm watching tv at FunSizedSarah's and I keep glancing round to her bookshelf because on it, there appears to be a head screaming at me. I know it's not real yet I keep looking round to see if it's slowly moving towards me in an attempt to eat my face and terrorize Edinburgh.

It's just a tea light holder/lamp thingy but still, it looked menacing! But not wanting to be classed a pussy, I stood up to face the demon thing and see if it looked any nicer from standing...

Nope, in fact it looked worse!

So when I vanish for weeks on end without word, or when you start noticing a smell coming from the blog, you'll know this bastard Monster Lamp has eaten my face.

Temptation in the garden of Sainsbury's

2010-04-05T08:52:00.003+01:00

There's a part of my brain that doesn't subject itself to the laws of order or reason. This part of my brain works on impulse and .. erm.. crazy (for want of a better word) and it's this part of my brain that usually has me doing really daft things like seeing how many Pringles I can shove in my mouth before I can't find the room to breathe, or filming myself going down a water slide. Yeah, that part of my brain.

Guess what happened when I saw this then?

I know I shouldn't have but I did. I had my common sense telling me that if the price for an expensive jar of curry was £2.00, a jar of average priced curry was £1.80 and a jar of cheap curry was £1.50, then surely a jar of curry for 9p (that's £0.09) would be not only disgusting but also extremely bad for you?

So I bought it and then I slapped my curiosity in the face for buying it.. well, until said crazy part of brain went

"hey Gurn, we need to do a Come Dine With Me episode with everyone round at yours for dinner. You can make an entire evening meal from Sainsbury's Basics range - it'll be the greatest dinner party ever!"

I even went so far as to think that my friends could do similar with other Value/Basic/Smart Price ranges and we could rate the worst of the worst. The problem is though, that my crazy brain thinks this and everyone else just goes "you're a fuckin' idiot Gurn" :p

I know Da-B-man and TwistedBarbie would be extremely sceptical since they were subjected to my Basics range of sausage rolls which can only be described as a fingernail of meat wrapped in a fist of pastry.

Still, I wanna know just how awful this curry's gonna be then wash it down with 12p coke and wipe my face with the world's worst paper napkin :D

Fashion everywhere

2010-04-05T08:27:00.003+01:00

FunSizedSarah decided to do an impromptu catwalk for me when I was at her flat the other day. Okay, to tell the truth, she was putting a new black bag in the bin and I pointed out it looked like it was wearable. She doesn't take much persuasion and before you could saw ecoli, she was sporting some bin bag fashion.

Gok should be worried about his job if you ask me (and you did ask me right?)

When I was trying to find a picture that didn't exactly have Gok Wan at his best (and don't get me wrong I do actually like him and have watched his shows), I did come across this beauty. Can you see the look of sheer disgust on his face?

If you haven't seen "How to Look Good Naked" then I suggest you search 'em down on the net - they're very good.

Mutations in every pack!

2010-03-29T16:39:00.003+01:00

My local shop sells the usual array of sweets and chocolates for kids to devour and by devour I really mean it - they've practically got it down their throws as they walk out of the shop! But I saw this lollipop (with bubblegum centre which must make all the difference) and I couldn't help but take a pic.

I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't criticise "art" but the company could have at least paid someone who could actually draw! I mean, his arm is bigger than his head and only Marvel mutants can get away with that one. I can also tell you that guy's vocabulary consists on noises rather than words with "durrr" being the most widely used sound.

I'm also wondering whether licking the lollipops will make your eyes go all funny like our friend there?

Breasts and boys

2010-03-29T16:27:00.005+01:00

I haven't spotted any strange signs for a while however a friend did send me a txt about this story.

Note who wrote the article ;)

Seems the whore that begs for our "tv licence" fee, i.e. the BBC, don't think before they post either...

I thought that was kinda obvious?

Tell a lie, I just remembered I had this on my phone. I passed a shop as I was heading to my comic shop that had this displayed outside...

Alas, it was shut so I couldn't go in :D

Linksys Vagina Hub

2010-03-23T23:02:00.004Z

I was perusing (great word that) the net spending imaginary money on a future home solution for well.. I could bore you with the details but basically I want loads of devices all connected together. I'd found a media hub by linksys and from their very own website, went to a video showing you all the great, geeky bits. But what was strange and made me chortle was one of the "related" video clips on the right hand side.

As Arnie said in T3 "No, I am not shitting you"

Tash of the Antartic

2010-03-22T18:51:00.002Z

For those who find their top lip freezing during winter conditions...

That's a stroke of genius design!

You can buy one here - I'll accept photos from anyone who purchases one ;)

YEEAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaa!

2010-03-15T21:00:00.003Z

It's a Van Damme spectacular!!!

Or even better....

Okay, okay, so enough animated gif JCVD. But it does tie me in nicely to this find - a new Universal Soldier movie with Van Damme making a return. Obviously, since he's in it and he's nuggets hard they had to figure out how to make it a challenge...

I'd still watch it :D

It's all about the length

2010-03-15T20:19:00.003Z

I went to get the hair chopped the other week, on a Friday to be precise (this is important later). I walked to the barber who were completely dead - booyah! Wouldn't have to wait. However, I had no money so had to nip along the road to the cash machine... which turned out to be fucked.

Lovely

So I popped into a shop and bought a loaf to get some cash-back. Armed with this money.. and a loaf... I headed back to the barbers, who happened to be heaving.

ARGH!!!

45 minutes I waited and then finally I was taken by one of the women working there. It's at this point that I should point out that the woman about to cut my hair isn't the one who usually cuts it. Snip, snip, snip and then comes the conversation mostly centered around my job and how she couldn't do it. 15 minutes pass and I finally pay the lady and head off.

It wasn't until later that day, when I was getting ready for a work's kareoke/meal night-out, that I noticed something strange about my hair.

She'd forgotten to cut the front of it.

I mean, the rest of it was about 2cm in length and there was the front still sitting at 2 sodding INCHES!! I tried to cover it up with some kinda mohican-type style and thankfully no one notice.

I ended up trying to sort it myself at my folks armed with some hair-tool and a pair of scissors but my arms started to ache and my brain hurt trying to figure out angles from a mirror so I called upon the Fun-sized Sarah to give it a go. She was bricking it - terrified of destroying my hair but she did a great job and made it the same length as the rest.

New rule - never, EVER get my hair cut by that particular woman in my barbers!

Excuse me? Nice boots

2010-03-10T20:56:00.002Z

Let me explain this.. I was uploading images to photobucket and this was on the side of the screen as an ad. What struck me most about it wasn't the obvious.. oh no, what struck me was that I recognised the boots the guy was wearing because I own a pair the same.

Value attack!

2010-03-08T17:55:00.002Z

I was wandering around Tescos the other day, looking for beer I might add, when I stumbled across this.

The Tesco "Value" range strikes again! Not only is it cheapy wine (probably lucky if it came from a grape) but it's even in a cardboard box!

Igloos

2010-03-08T17:43:00.004Z

The snow went and just when we thought it was all over we got dumped on again by the heavens.. which of course gave me new snow to work with at my folk's house!

So what to build now? What manner of creature? I had contemplated a giant spider but realised building thin things out of snow was really difficult without using water to turn parts into ice and I wanted the boy to help. In the end we went with making him an igloo.

Now I now the theory behind an igloo but in practice it proved to be very difficult, especially when you don't actually have mass amounts of slow to carve up. After almost two hours we gave up and headed back in... defeated.

Damn you Eskimos and your secret igloo techniques!!

The Great White Shark

2010-03-08T17:35:00.003Z

"What to build next?" I thought. It was during a cuppa that it suddenly hit me, the king of the dinosaurs needed a friend and what better friend than the most ferocious fish in the ocean - the Great White Shark!

"I'm going to build the boy a Great White Shark"
"oh give it a rest Gurn" says the family
"Never!"

Again with my trusty trowel, shovel and recycling bucket (and also the boy himself this time), I, sorry, we headed out to build the dino a friend. An hour or so later and voila..

I'd originally planned for the boy to be lying in the shark's mouth but a) it wasn't wide enough, b) it was freezing and c) my mother woulda skelped me one.

Tyrannosnowrus Rex (see what I did there?)

2010-03-08T17:27:00.004Z

Sticking with the snow there, during the winter break I went through to visit my folks only to discover some serious snow-age in their back garden. Being the creative sort and having build a snowman in the family garden every year it has snowed (which hasn't been many), I decided to raise my game and build something typcially overkill.

"I'm gonna build the boy a T-Rex" I said to the family, who were suitably unimpressed with my statement and I think just went "aye, fine".

After they saw how well it was progressing with just my trusty recycling bucket, spade and trowel, my dad even came out to lend a hand and it wasn't long before my t-rex was complete...

The boy loved it so I was fair chuffed!

Winter wonderland

2010-03-08T17:18:00.003Z

Over the winter we've been hit by some pretty bad blizzards which have done the usual of disrupt traffic, burst pipes and have the English call out national emergencies on the news. Anyway, I had stayed at Fun-sized Sarah's one night back in December and left to go get the car only to find the city magically turned white overnight.

"WOOO" I thought to myself (not having thought far enough ahead to realise I had to drive through it)

So I turned a corner to go down one the close (an old alleyway) when I slipped down all the steps in about half a second. I shit you not I didn't fall on my arse, just did that backwards-arm flailing, comedy routine.

You can see my sort-of footprints down the steps.

That'll teach me to use a shortcut.

Scottish pride

2010-03-02T22:13:00.002Z

Fun-sized Sarah and I headed out to the museum on Sunday there just to see what it was like really. They've closed the national museum for aaaaaages claiming they're making it future-proof so all we had was the museum of Scottishnessness. It was fun and not too busy so we got to try some of the interactive exhibits, including the pulley one where I was trying to show off my raw-animalistic strength by pulling myself up the rope whilst seated (did it too.. a wee bit)

Of course they had lots of nasty stuff from our dark days such as Claymore swords (one had a blade bigger than me), shackles, witch burning stuff and my favourite - a cast iron coffin. Gotta protect bodies from being dug up by body snatchers.

Oh, on a side-note they're filming a movie about Burke and Hare in Edinburgh (for those not in the know those two dug up bodies to sell to the medical institutes but then ran out of bodies and so murdered folk)

Anyway, we then hit Scotland's food exhibits which wasn't really something we should be displaying with pride since we've brought nothing healthy or appetising to the world

haggis - lots of stuff cooked inside a sheep's stomach
black pudding - congealed pig's blood (tastier than it sounds)
tablet - pretty much 98% sugar
irn-bru - a completely non-natural flavoured juice
irn-bru bars - 100% dental erosion in a chewy bar
deep-fried mars bars - totally disgusting
tattie scones - fine but we have them fried in loads of oil and covered in salt

Anyway, you get the picture. I burst out laughing when I saw this though...

They'd taken and framed a picture of a Tunnocks Tea Cake! I'm not arguing that it isn't a truly awesome sweet but did we need such a big picture of it?

This reporter says YES :D

Bum pats

2010-02-26T21:27:00.002Z

I saw one of those ad banners for a game called Asda Story and at first, I thought it was a game about Asda..

As you can see from the trailer for the game, cheap foodstuffs and staff in green uniforms don't feature too heavily in this version of Asda.

It is probably a good thing that they don't have Asda spokeswoman and all round whine, Sharon Osbourne.

Come to think of it, haven't seen her in any ads for Asda lately, maybe they've ditched her? If so then I think we should have Sharon's daughter as the new face of Asda!

Underwear for the freak in your life

2010-02-26T21:04:00.003Z

Being a guy who can actually buy clothes for himself without the aid/assistance of someone sporting breasts, I was looking online for them. And not just any clothes but boxers since it was "that time" again. of course I'd end up doing what I usually do with boxers - walk into Primark and pick up 10 pairs of the same black pair. But still, I like to see what daft fashions the media say I'm supposed to be wearing.

It was whilst stumbling from one site to the next that I discovered that men get screwed in the underwear department whereas women have a bloody Ali's cave of possibilities! Anyway, this isn't a another men-getting-shafted rant, no I came across a vest and boxers (not a vest man myself) but I found myself staring at the image for ages.

There was something physically wrong with the model's body.

He's just WRONG!! When I stand like that (no picture coming) my hands are almost at my knees. It's like his has this huge and long upper body and someone slapped a pair of short legs on him.

Or maybe it's that his arms seem to be bigger than his thighs? I dunno, there's just s o m e t h i n g wrong here

What's that in your ear?

2010-02-26T20:43:00.004Z

Well, time to get cracking through the massive list of things I've wanted to post about.. starting with Cricket!

Cricket Revolution to be exact.

Now, maybe due to my Scottish blood I'm completely against Cricket as it's an English sport, or maybe it's that I see it as a glorified game of Rounders (in much the same way that Baseball is), but I think Cricket has to be one of the most boring sports to watch.. up there with darts and golf.

So I thought, maybe the "revolution" is that it's now exciting? I mean, doesn't that guy look thoroughly excited? To the point of wetting his pants? Or maybe he's too busy trying to win the world's tiniest trophy that he's not even noticed the leprechaun having sex with his ear?

No Steam, I will not be parting with my hard-earned human money for this - Bad Steam, Bad!

Oh and if you didn't believe me about winning the world's smallest trophy, check out the proof!

sniff...

2010-02-26T20:40:00.000Z

Blogpocalypse 2010

2010-02-17T20:19:00.003Z

A terrible event has befallen the blog - the server that hosts all of the images and graphics I've used went down a couple of months ago. I patiently waited to see the backup servers kick in and replace everything which is why I haven't blogged for a while since everything I've wanted to blog about has required images to upload. Da-B-man recently informed me that the back-up servers also went down resulting in a total loss of data.

Basically, I'd lost 6 and a half years worth of images.

I was totally gutted.

I mean, totally!

I have a backup of the first couple of years' images which I can put back up but pretty much anything after 2007 is a goner.

Fuckity I say!

Miniature Armageddon

2009-12-30T21:44:00.004Z

You may have noticed something's not right at chez' 'zero and you'd be right. Dabman.net is having some difficulties and I've been told things will come back to the status-quo before long (minus the ponytails) so in laymen's terms - all my graphics will appear once more.

The end of the world is fast approaching which happily coincides with Hogmanay.. again (funny that) and this year Sarah and I will be joining B and Barbie at an undisclosed party in a mason's hall (no connection I'm told). Ah it'll be fun.

In other news, I'm running Windows 7, had my eyes bleed at Avatar (a review is coming, I promise) and I've ordered a new bed for myself since 8.7 years is a long time to be laying in the same double bed with crappy mattress.

Happy 2010 when it hits folks!

Steroids and spandex

2009-12-06T13:34:00.002Z

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm not feeling it. Dunno why, maybe it's the fact I've only just started buying presents for folks or maybe it's just coz my work plate has a lot on it at the mo.

Must get my tree up - that'll put me in the festive mood.

Anyway, my dad (like all dads I think (well, excluding myself)) sends me emails with awful jokes and bizarre stories that came out years ago. However, one really caught my funny bone causing a fit of chortling.

From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by LinkinPark. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywoodso this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.

Gurn kicks 29 in the groin

2009-11-22T14:18:00.004Z

'Tis been a while and my "to blog" folder is bursting at the seems with randomness but I figured I'd quickly say something about my birthday night out that took place a couple of weekends ago and was a totally bitchin' and rockin' event.

T'was a good attendance too..

Da-B-Man
Twisted Barbie
Sarah
LindyLou
her man Alisdair (he'll kill me for the spelling but there's that many sodding ways to spell it nowadays)
Heather
her man Adam
and special guest star - Prox.

Let me say something about Mr. Prox - B-man and I used to game with him playing Neverwinter Nights on his server along with numerous folk from around the world and we found out he was gonna come over and visit the 'burgh all the way from Nova Scotia (that's Canada) So it timed nicely actually and was really cool to finally meet him.

Anyway, t'was an awesome night all round and we started off looking fairly sober (you'd hope so at the start)

But then the Kopparbergs kept a coming and I hit drunkenness. But.. there was a sobering period as evidenced by this photo (and by evidence I mean no one can argue with it in any way what-so-ever.. okay?)

However it was sort lived and the women quickly attached balloons to my chest.. balloons with drawn-on nipples.

Even though I'd stopped drinking at a certain point and was subject to accusations regarding my gender from Prox, I still managed to end the night looking totally hammered even though I can remember the end of the night no problem.

Hopefully if next year goes well for everyone we might try and have a 3-way 30th birthday party in some eastern-block country where I'll no doubt spend the entire weekend saying "spetsnatz!!"

Scotland 101

2009-10-13T16:39:00.003+01:00

So how do I sum up this beautiful and vibrant country that I live in? By pictures of course! :D Nothing looks better than a series of pictures showing just what our country is all about and it makes me proud to say I'm Scottish.

But where is Scotland to be exact? Well the educated will know we're part of the UK and therefore subject to the strange whims of the European Union (honestly, they're nuts with things like claiming that having the Internet might actually be a basic human right).

If we take a closer look at Scotland, you'll see just how small a nation we are both in physical size and population...

Let me explain Edinburgh's trams situation. Being a resident in the capital myself, we have been subjected to some ludicrous idea that we should have a tram network that's pretty much a half-arsed tram network but with the full price of funding your own mission to Alpha Centauri. None of the locals want them and they're ripping up our city over the period of about 3/4 years. It caused some problems when we held our international festival (the biggest comedy festival in the world, he boasts).

Anyway, more about the landscape, much of Scotland is uninhabited mainly due to us not being able to build houses on mountains but that does mean we have some of the nicest scenery around.

We're also a pretty old country and hundreds of years ago we built shit loads of castles to keep ourselves safe so you'll find literally hundreds of them scattered about still (Edinburgh castle being the most famous along with Stirling castle)

Of course there has been stories of Americans with Scottish ancestry who suddenly find themselves in possession of a castle (once everyone else has snuffed it) and one or two have been dismantled and rebuilt over the other side of the world, which is mental)

Weather wise, we get every type of weather in the one day, it's very changeable. We also struggle to get hot weather so when the sun's out for more than 20 mins, you'll see thousands of Scots walking about in shorts and t-shirts.

But onto our people, who are pretty nuts. We have a reputation of being a bit angry (think groundskeeper willie from the simpsons) which is usually the result of us trying to compensate for having such a small.. country.

Yes, we have the kilt as our national dress (that's not as in female dress and it's not a skirt) but we don't wear it every day, usually just when we get married, or divourced, or buried (in whichever order suits)

And yes, a "true Scotsman" doesn't wear anything under his kilt - apologies for the testicle.. well, I'm not sorry really.

We're also very passionate about football (that's soccer to the Americans) but since the whole world calls it football and it uses a foot and a ball, we call it football. Our national team is totally shit.

It really is

But the magic is in the Tartan Army, which are the fans who support the team and know fine well we'll get hammered by lesser-known countries but we still go out afterwards and get drunk to celebrate another glorious defeat!

Which brings me nicely onto alcohol. I think we rival Ireland as a nation of drinkers.

Our "other" national drink (the first one being too obvious to say) is Irn-Bru - a fizzy drink that's orange, contains nothing natural and has been linked with hyperactivity in kids.

But it's pure awesome in a bottle :D Scotland is also the ONLY country in the world where Coca Cola isn't the number 1 soft drink provider (Barr's Irn-Bru is). Barr are really good at making adverts that hit the funny bone AND cause folk to phone in to complain to watchdogs (at the same time too). Check this billboard one out...

Irn-bru, when I was growing up, was sold as being "made in Scotland from girders" and I think that possibly there are traces of raw iron in every bottle ;)

We're also a nation who takes the idea of healthy eating and throws it into a deep-fat fryer. A craze started years ago where chip shops (everything is deep fried in these) would coat a Mars Bar in batter and deep fry it only to serve it with chips.

Don't believe me?

It's not surprising that we're, I think, the country with the highest rate of heart disease. We also like to make sweets with our worst offender being Tablet, which is basically sugar and milk boiled together.. that's it. :p

Then there's haggis, our national dish. Which is a sheep's heart, liver and lungs minced together with onion, oatmeal, suet, salt and spices, mixed with stock and cooked inside a sheep's stomach. I know, I know, doesn't sound the most appetising thing ever but it's actually very tasty.

Our country is steeped in history and also in myth and nothing is more popular than the Loch Ness Monster (you gotta say Loch as in Law-insert¬phlem¬sound and not Law-k). Nessie is hiding out up north (in the highlands) and is a suspected Plesiosaur who found a deep stretch of water to hide in for aeons.

There's more to us that than but I'd be here all day trying to find pictures to explain the strange dialects we use, the ned problem, our government situation (yes we have a kiddy-on one) and so on.

So come on, come tae Scotland - it's pure dead braw so it is!

PicASSa

2009-10-12T22:17:00.002+01:00

Ugh that doesn't look too nice so I think I'll go back to the way I've done it for the past 6 years ;)

Peace and Porkpies

2009-10-12T22:16:00.000+01:00

I heard on the news the other day that this year's Nobel Peace Prize winner was non other than America's new favourite President, Mr. Bobama (sounds better that way no?) Well, I wasn't happy with the news...

No sireee..

You see, they reported that he was receiving it because he was striving for peace and nuclear disarmament. Yeah, who wasn't striving for that exactly? I'm pretty sure most G8 leaders were trying for that and our country's leaders have been trying to get peace in Northern Ireland and Israel for yonks now and they'd be lucky with a handshake and a porkpie but the new guy comes along and is handed the shackles to stardom because he used the peace word?

Of course being in lowly Scotland and only following the news for roughly 11 minutes every morning before I rush off to educate young minds on the ways of the Internet I am subject to getting stuff wrong so If I do, then yeah, let me know but what has Obama actually done aside from pretty cool speaches?

I thought he was meant to usher in America's welcome back to the world era?

I thought he was gonna show the world that the last decade of Bushdom was really a bad mistake?

I thought he was gonna do a lot of things (although I woulda voted for Hilary myself, purely because I'd like to see Bill back in the White House - he was class :D

But they seem to give out the Nobel Prize to anybody these days and the real candidates miss out. I mean, Tim Berners Lee who gifted us with the World Wide Web and everything we know of the Internet today got nothing and I'd argue the Internet has brought the world together better than anything else but what did he get?

Probably a handshake and a porkpie.. oh yeah, and a seat on the W3C council which next to no one knows about (hint - it's not as cool as it sounds)

I guess it's not Obama's fault, he didn't put himself forward for it and he seemed a bit surprised about it (not surprising since he hasn't actually achieved global peace OR nuclear disarmament) but it just goes to show you - you only need an idea to win prizes :p

And STILL no one has rewarded me for my idea on cloning a patient's own body parts for transplants OR Pyramid Processors (see when that one comes true, I'm gonna moan something rotten to you all)

It's not the first time I've disagreed with a winner of the Nobel prize. Al Gore got it and for what?
For telling America there was a problem with our planet.

God job Al!

I've had arguments with scientists who claim you can't prove humans are harming the planet and destroying the ozone layer since the planet naturally goes through a cycle of warming and cooling BUT I don't think there's a doubt we're speeding up the process.

I haven't seen Al's movie but I imagine it to be all facts and figures with zany powerpoints and shocking examples of polar bears dying on the Coca Cola farms at the ice-caps.

Does making a movie really get you a Nobel Peace Prize?

So who's gonna win it next year?

My dibs is on Jordan and Peter Andre for getting back together again, selling yet another story to the tabloids and giving our country something to gossip about thus keeping us sane and working and earning and the economy running (commas are for the weak).

P.S. This entire post was written from within Picassa so I'm not sure how it'll look or read. If it's crap I'll go back to the old way of doing it.

Fucking the Turret up (not down)

2009-10-08T18:59:00.004+01:00

Reasons why game reviewers should play the game before reviewing it..

'tis funny as hell though ;)